So Me and New Guy Are Still Talking

Well we ended up going someplace to eat and that weekend went bowling. I was scared but asked God to help me to make peace with myself and the people around me. Also that the people around me, make peace with me. I didn’t enjoy the bowling so much but it gave me a chance to open up and try something new. I’m just proud that I went in the first place.

I don’t think I see a potential relationship here but I’m glad I met him anyway. He gave me a chance to step outside of my comfort zone. Also to learn some things about myself. So if we do end up parting ways, he did what he was suppose to in my life. Now the next time a guy asks me out on a date, I can be open to it.

So The Shy Girl Meets A New Man

Well as I told you, I’m a loner. I am afraid to open up to people. I am afraid to show people who I am. How beautiful and amazing I am. I’m afraid they won’t understand my inner beauty. Maybe they’ll think I’m too exotic.

But today I met a guy. A nice good guy who is interested in me. A guy who I am interested in. A chance to chose love. A chance to open myself to love. But not even neccessarily in a romantic sense. But in a sense of lettin who I truly am shine. Showing who you truly are to someone without fear is a form of love. Not meaning that you love the person but that you are choosing not to walk in fear. I consider fear of love opposites.

The act of removing fear from your idenity is love. It reveals the love within.

But I wanted God to open my heart to love. I wanted a chance to choose love instead of fear. The chance to connect with someone and I now have the chance. Let’s see what I do with it. I can run away or protect myself as always or I can choose to ask for a miracle. A shift in my perspective.

I have never been on a date or a serious relationship out of fear. Low self-esteem and self-worth. I was nothing but a self- loathing person.

We are suppose to go bowling so this will be my first date and I’m 22. It’s never too late.

I don’t see this as an opportunity to get in a committed relationship, though this is what he is looking for. I see this as an opportunity for growth. An opportunity to become a less fearful person. I see him as a teacher. Okay come down Aleisha. Your moving way too fast. You haven’t even been on a date.

But this is a chance to push fear to the side. I am not looking for a committed relationship. I am too needy, co-dependent and insecure. I feel that I can use this time of singleness to overcome these things. But insecurity is not a good foundation to build a relationship on. Once I love myself I will be ready for a relationship.

I did allow this guy to know, the close to two hours we spent on the phone, I was not looking for a relationship. He said that’S okay. He just wants a companion. But he also hinted that he wanted to use our friendship as a gateway to more. Well we’ll see how that goes. It’s all love.

Lord Open My Heart To Love

Well today I finally got out the house. Mostly cause it was too depressing staying inside. My intention was to go mother’s day shopping and grocery shopping. I ended up buying myself a pair of shoes. I haven’t done that since, well, never actually. So I guess they were well earned. 4 inch pumps.

The day went pretty well. I looked good. I tried to think positive and say good about myself. That’s important. I’ll let you know that I weigh less than 100 pounds naturally. So I am really thin and self-conscious. Haters of course make sure to remind me of this. But I will not let their insecurities bring me down.

It’s funny how it’s usually the less attractive ones who want to say something.

Anyway on my way to the bus stop I prayed my usual prayer.

Lord thank you for…..
I pray that you show me how amazing I am.
I pray that you help me to realise You are love
I pray you remove the idea of sickness from my mind.
I pray you help me to be more, positive, disciplined, present moment and be appreciative of the things I have.
I pray to give my judgement, negative thoughts, fear thoughts, thoughts based on other’s opinion and thoughts about people’s self induced problems to You.
I pray that you open my eyes and heart to love. Open my eyes to the love around me.

People were being nice to me in simple ways. I was told I was beautiful by a older man. Maybe like 50 years old. People (men) were allowing me to get in front of them on the bus. Men were saying hi to me and being extra nice. Maybe it was the hair and the outfit or maybe my eyes were being opened to the love around me.

Us vs Them: A Mentality Built On Fear

Have we become an us vs. them society. It seems we have. Skinny women vs. full women. Black vs. white. Christian vs atheist. We are all against eachother. This us vs. them mentality leads us to believe that we are separate, when we are all one. We feel we need to hate the other person.

As a women I see a lot of us vs. them mentality. It’s so stupid and I’m tired of it. Women tearing eachother down. Skinny vs full figured is a good one for women. One of the most common ones found in all races. It is a mentality built on fear. We are afraid that we have to compete for our size to win. We wanna prove we are the better size. They are the enemy.

The truth is no one is the enemy. This mentally is a manifestaiton of the fear, that we have to be better than them. The fear that they may be better than us. So we challenge eachother to a duel. The fear also comes from the media. The media separates women. This creates fear and competition, so we separate ourselves.

If the media didn’t separate skinny women from fuller women, by putting one on a pedestal, we wouldn’t have this mentality. It creates fear when one woman is told she beautiful because of a size. That’s saying everyone else isn’t. We don’t have to fear, hate or envy. We have to love. Do not allow the narrowminded, mentality of the media to make you believe we are separate. Separation creates pain. When we believe we are separate from them we hurt ourselves.

The us vs. them mentality generally goes deep. We really believe that the mentality is justified which is the saddest part. But in the end when we make someone the enemy because of size, race, culture or religion, we hurt ourselves.

The Day I Decided Not To Love

I was 5 years old. I was in pre-school just sitting down playing. Suddenly I seen my friend. I can still remember her name, though I’m 22 now. Her name was Jasmine. She was one of the prettiest girls in the class, so of course I naturally gravitated towards her.

So I called her and she proceeded to walk over to me. Then her friend said “no, don’t go over to her, she’s darkskin, your lightskin like us.” I was left there standing a lone. Though I thought separation between darks African Americans and lights ended in slavery, I guess I was wrong.

I sat there a lone. I don’t remember what I was thinking but I believe this is where me thinking I was not good enough started. I didn’t have a lot of friends and of course I wasn’t light enough. I than made a subconscious decision that I would never be rejected again. It hurt bad to be rejected. As silly as it may sound I have tears in my eyes now just thinking about it.

I was 5 years old but I never forgot. Something so small had a great impact on the following events in my life. As I continued throughout school I was quiet and afraid of people. My fear that I was less than made me act inferior, resulting in me being treated as such. I lived my whole life feeling I wasn’t as good as others.

The reason I call it the day I decided not to love is because from that day on, I lived in fear. I didn’t allow myself to get close to anyone out of fear that they wouldn’t like me. I was not walking in love. I was so afraid. Now 17 years later I’m still afraid.

I’m sitting here in the house everyday, in fear of what’s out there. In fear of everything. It’s almost like I’m sitting here waiting for something. Something that will never come. I’m tired of living in fear. Fear that I won’t have any money, fear I am too skinny, fear I’m not pretty enough, fear no one will like the real me. My fear has created a heart lacking in love. My fear has created my loniliness.

I know that I will put my fear aside oneday and chose love to it’s fullest capacity. My only question is when?

Love Drowns Out Fear : How Fear Created My Hell?

If you could unlock all the love in your heart it would drown all your fears a way……
I read that on a website. It’s true.

But where is that love? What love have I stored in my heart that I’m not releasing? Charity, my poetry among others. I want to unleash my love. But it’s a hard thing to do since I just realised I was holding on to it. Though this is a normal thing in this society. We are all so afraid to just let go and walk in love.

We are taught to fear. The fear we aren’t good enough, the fear of failure, the fear that we aren’t smart enough, etc. All this fear leads to lack of self love. How can we love others when we don’t love ourselves.

We hold on to our love out of “fear” it won’t be returned. Fear that we’ll look stupid. Fear the other person won’t deserve it. Not just love in a romantic sense but for the general human kind. We are taught that love has to be earned. You have to be pretty enough. You have to “be a good girl” or boy.

We’re so afraid that person is cuter than us or, they won’t like us. All this fear blocks the love. It blocks us from seeing our true self. The light and love within. But how can we let our light in when we’re so familar with darkness?

I don’t wanna continue to walk in fear. This fear has held me back in life. I was afraid people wouldn’t like me, so I stopped talking to people. My fear created a person that wasn’t me. Distant, timid, allowing people to walk over me. I was afraid to open up to people and show the real me.

So instead to protect myself I put up a layer of protection. It was created by my fear. Fear they would think I wasn’t as good as them. Since I walked around with that fear, the fear manifested. They didn’t believe I was good and neither did I. They never got a chance to see the real me. My laughter, love, my intelligence, my relatable personality.

I could have chose to walk in love but my fear created it’s own hell. I wouldn’t let love in. Not just love from others. But the love for myself.

I Hate Myself

“Your not good enough. You aren’t a nice weight. No one will want you the way you are. No one will love you. You have to change.” These thoughts are sickening. They lead me to sadness. What’s the point of living if you can’t be happy.

I wanna be confident. I know or believe I will be loved if I love myself. If I’m confident people will treat me different.
Though I do believe when you love yourself, so will others, it’s hard to do. Actually the mentally a lot of us have is, I’ll love myself once they think I’m good enough. Once I have their acceptance, I’ll accept myself. It’s a catch 22. If we don’t think we are good enough, they’ll never believe it either.

I spent yesterday focusing on the two things I didn’t like about myself. My weight and not having a job.

Accepting my body as is, is the best thing I can do in this situation. Try to find peace within. There are people walking around with burnt faces, arms missing, no leg and no eyes. The audacity of meto sit around and complain.

The audacity for me to say something is wrong with me, I’m not good enough. I am good enough and so are you.